if you like me you must not know who I am
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
