Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize