if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
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