I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
