Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize