Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
