last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
