can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
