Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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