He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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