I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
