My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
