Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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