Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize