When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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