She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Princesses don't give blow jobs
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
