The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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