3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
