I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
