I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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