just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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