I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
