I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
