I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
me + whiskey = a bad person
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
