I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
