If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
