he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
sarcasm needs its own font
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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