whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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