You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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