I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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