based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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