The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
