i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
