i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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