dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
