i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
