I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
