Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
