Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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