and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
