And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
