Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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