I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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