sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
