Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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