my phone needs a breathalizer
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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