I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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