Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize