I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
