Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
