when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
