it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
