I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
