My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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