Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
